Mom’s Soap Box

A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they’re practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One -he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR…… Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder: “Instruction Manuals”

Milk goes sour in about a week, even if you keep it in the fridge. That’s because Lactobacillus, the “good bacteria” that’s found in yogurt, is constantly going about the job of oxidizing the lactose sugars in the milk into sour-tasting lactic acid - the same chemical that makes your muscles sore after exercise. But since this souring process requires the presence of oxygen, theoretically it could be slowed down even further if you kept the milk out of contact with oxygen.

What percentage of milk ends up going down the sink because it’s soured in the fridge? 

The Fresh shrinking milk jug seems like a great idea.

The Fresh is a spring-loaded jug with flexible sides. You pop it out to its full height to fill it, then put on the airtight lid. Then you press the release valve and push down on the lid until the milk starts pouring out the nozzle. You don’t have to lift the jug or tilt it to pour in this way.

When you’re done pouring, you release the valve button and the milk is sealed inside the jug, free from contact with any oxygen. Starved of the oxygen it takes to process the milk, and kept at a chilled temperature to slow them further, the Lactobacillus bacteria take a lot longer to turn the milk sour - up to a week longer, the inventor claims.

Unfortunately, being a design study, there’s no immediate plans for production.

One anonymous entrant to this year’s James Dyson awards has come up with something devilishly simple: a shrinking milk jug that squeezes all the air out as you empty it. The inventor claims it lets milk last as much as a week longer. Simple and brilliant!

At the time I was sure vaccination was the route to go, despite the fact I had no solid information, facts or research on which to base my opinion. The idea that vaccines were responsible for ridding western society of small pox, polio and many other diseases and that any un-vaccinated child was a threat to the health of all was backed up by the media and the rest of society.

Now I am not so sure vaccinating my kids is the best thing for them. The amount of conventional medical history and government statistics that show both the ineffectiveness and harm that vaccinations can cause is alarming. I’d never been offered contrary information about the effectiveness of shots by those who advocate them. What about the other side? Do I not deserve the best information with which to make an informed decision?

Contraindications are health concerns such as a family history of autoimmune or neurological disorders, allergies that conflict with vaccines and can cause minor or major reactions. This information could be critical to me and my children. Why was I not taught to research and form my own opinion on this critical subject?

It should be noted that more research is needed to discover why these contraindications cause such severe health problems – the simple fact is that as much as doctors know, they do not know everything and more research is needed.

* Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

* Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of Probability:

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

* Law of the Telephone:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

* Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

* Variation Law:

If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

* Bath Theorem:

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

* Law of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

* Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

* Law of Bio mechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

* Theatre Rule:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

* Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

* Murphy’s Law of Lockers:

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

* Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich  landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

* Law of Location:

No matter where you go, there you are.

* Law of Logical Argument:

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

* Brown’s Law:

If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.

* Oliver’s Law:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* Wilson’s Law:

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

I’m a practical person. I need practical solutions. When it’s good all around — for personal health, the environment, and for living consciously, I don’t see how it can get more practical. So, the Meatless Monday campaign sounded like a great idea to me. Now I just have to convince my very carnivorous family to try it.

The campaign is focused on convincing the world not to eat chickens, pigs, and other animals — just one day per week (Monday just makes for a nice alliterative title). Maybe Johns Hopkins, Columbia, the American Dietetic Association, and dozens of other health organizations arguing that “the less meat you eat, the better off you’ll be” means it’s worth listening to the idea. 

Michael Pollan (In Defense of Food) argued in favor of the campaign on Oprah, saying, “We don’t realize it when we sit down to eat, but that is our most profound engagement in the rest of nature.” If we can just push meat a little bit to the side and move vegetables more to the center of our diet, we’ll be a lot healthier. Pollan’s most recent book calls on all of us to eat “…mostly plants,” and his new movie (Food, Inc.) offers a stomach-churning look at factory-farming and slaughterhouses.

Scientists tell us that if all Americans switched from eating chickens and pigs to eating beans and grains for just one day per week, that would stop as much global warming as if everyone in the U.S. shifted to ultra-efficient Toyota hybrids (which is the weekly equivalent of using 12 billion fewer gallons of gasoline).

For people who think that going totally vegetarian is too challenging, the Meatless Monday campaign offers a gentle easing into the idea of eating without eating animals. For recipes and cooking information, check out the Meatless Monday site.

that the Caesar salad was not named for Julius Caesar? It was named for Caesar Cardini (1896-1956), an Italian who came to San Diego, California after World War I, created the salad (sans anchovies, except those in the Worcestershire sauce ) at his restaurant in 1924.

that there are over 20,000 brands of beer? The oldest recipes for beer are from 4300BC. 

that the tongue of a blue whale is as long as an elephant?

that there are four wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Kikazaru - Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Iwazaru - Speak no evil), and Shizaru (Do no evil).

that half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace?

that most boat owners name their boats? Obsession is the most popular boat name requested.

that if you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go to one thousand before you would find the letter ‘A’?

that bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women?

that honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

that on Father’s Day day there are more collect calls than any other day of the year?

that words don’t have to be spelled correctly for an intelligent person to read them?

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

We’ve covered stevia and sugar this week but what about the other sweeteners saccharin and aspartame?

Saccharin has long been a traditional alternative for those on diets, but it has been dogged from the outset with its own health concerns. Saccharin is a synthetic, white crystalline powder, benzoic sulfinide, has effectively no food energy and is much sweeter than sucrose,350 times as sweet, but has an unpleasant bitter or metallic aftertaste. It is not easily digested by the body. Saccharin officially assumed the ‘carcinogen’ title in March 1977, when a rodent study in Canada produced an excess of bladder tumors in the male animal. The US National Toxicology Program elected to put saccharin on its ‘cancer causing’ list - formally declaring it an ‘anticipated human carcinogen.’ Cyclamate, an earlier version, had been banned in 1970 for similar reasons. The American Food and Drug Administration, relented in the face of public pressure, but mandated that saccharin should carry a warning label. In 1991, after fourteen years, the FDA formally withdrew its 1977 proposal to ban the use of saccharin, and in 2000, the U.S. Congress repealed the law requiring saccharin products to carry health warning labels.

Aspartame is the methyl ester of a phenylalanine/aspartic acid dipeptide. It has been the subject of controversy since its initial approval in 1974. It can be found the world over under the brand names Nutrasweet, Equal, Spoonful and Equal-Measure and is an ingredient of approximately 6,000 consumer foods and beverages sold worldwide, including (but not limited to) diet sodas and other soft drinks, instant breakfasts, breath mints, cereals, sugar-free chewing gum, cocoa mixes, frozen desserts, gelatin desserts, juices, laxatives, chewable vitamins supplements, milk drinks, pharmaceutical drugs and supplements, shake mixes, tabletop sweeteners, teas, instant coffees, topping mixes, wine coolers and yogurt. Aspartame was discovered by accident in 1965, by a chemist working for the GD Serle Company. The original approval as a sweetener for public consumption was blocked over concerns about both aspartame’s safety and GD Serle’s research practices. Aspartame received approval for dry goods in 1981 and as a sweetener for carbonated beverages was granted in 1983, despite growing concerns over its neurological effects. In 1985, GD Serle was purchased by pharmaceutical giant Monsanto. Since then, Serle Pharmaceuticals and The NutraSweet Company were created as separate corporate identities.

According to researcher Alex Constantine in his essay entitled “Sweet Poison”, aspartame may account for up to 75% of the adverse food reactions reported to the US FDA, due primarily to its reported ability to affect neurological processes in humans. Dr Olney, a prominent neuroscientist, found that an excess of aspartate and glutamate, two chemicals used by the body as neurotransmitters to transmit information between brain neurons, could kill neurons in the brain by allowing too much calcium to collect in the neuron cells to neutralize acid. This neurological damage led Dr Olney to label aspartate and glutamate ‘excitotoxins‘, in that they ‘excite’ or stimulate the neural cells to death.　

Symptoms

Side-effects laid at the door of aspartame poisoning include fits, convulsions, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer’s disease, ALS, memory loss, hormonal problems, hearing loss, epilepsy, Parkinson’s disease, AIDS dementia, brain lesions and neuro-endocrine disorders. Aspartame comprises two chief trouble-makers:  

Phenylalanine  is an amino acid used by the brain, that comprises 50% of aspartame. People suffering from the genetic disorder phenylketonuria (PKU) cannot metabolise phenylalanine and an excess of this amino acid builds up in the brain, leading to a decrease of serotonin levels, bringing on emotional disorders and depression. 

Menthanol, also known as wood alcohol. The poison methanol is a 10%ingredient of aspartame, which is created when aspartame is heated above 30′C, for example in the preparation of processed foods. Methanol oxidizes in the body to produce formic acid and the deadly neurotoxin, formaldehyde. Methanol is considered by America’s Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as “.a cumulative poison, due to the low rate of excretion once it is absorbed. In the body, methanol is oxidized to formaldehyde and formic acid; both of these metabolites are toxic.”A one liter carbonated beverage, sweetened with aspartame, contains around 56mg of methanol. Heavy consumers of soft drinks sweetened with aspartame can ingest up to 250 mg of methanol daily, especially in the summer, amounting to 32 times the EPA warning limit.  

In the end, your bodyhas only one question about what you feed it, “Can I use this material to build cells to replenish my systems?” Sucrose, saccharin and aspartame are incompatible with this process and have been shown to work against the body. They are the opposite of nutrition, they are indeed “sweet poisons”.

Natural healing Apple cider vinegar kills germs and nourishes the body at the same time, so have a look at some of the many different ways people have been benefiting from the external and internal application of this folk medicine. 

EAR INFECTIONS

Use an ear syringe (found at drug stores) to squirt a vinegar solution into the ear and let it sit for a minute or so, then turn your head and let the liquid drain out. The vinegar solution can be a 50/50 mixture of ACV and pure water, a 50/50 mixture of ACV and rubbing alcohol or a solution consisting of one-third vinegar, one-third pure water, and one-third rubbing alcohol.

If the ear problem persists, see a health professional.

ECZEMA

To help relieve the itching and dryness of eczema, apply a 50/50 mixture of apple cider vinegar and water to the affected areas.

FATIGUE

Fatigue can be caused by a build up lactic acid in the body during exercise or periods of stress. The amino acids found in apple cider vinegar can neutralize the excess lactic acid in the bloodstream and the potassium and enzymes obtained through regular use of a vinegar tonic can help beat fatigue.

FLATULENCE

Many people avoid eating certain foods such as beans due to the gas they produce in the body. This gas is a result of incomplete digestion and can be minimized by soaking the beans in apple cider vinegar prior to cooking them.

FOOT CARE

Try this home remedy for sore and tired feet which sometimes ache at the end of a long day: Add a cup of apple cider vinegar to a basin of warm water and allow your feet to soak for 15 minutes.

HEADACHES

Research has shown that people have slightly more alkaline urine when they have a headache. An apple cider vinegar tonic will help restore your body’s acid/alkaline balance. According to one home remedy, inhaling the vapors from a small bottle of apple cider vinegar can also help or if you have a vaporizer, add some cider vinegar to the water and inhale the vapors for five minutes.

HEMORRHOIDS

Apply the natural healing abilities of pure apple cider vinegar directly to hemorrhoids to help reduce stinging and promote shrinking. Use a cotton ball to apply the vinegar every few hours until symptoms are relieved.

HICCUPS

To stop hiccups, try sipping a glass of warm water in which one teaspoon of apple cider vinegar has been mixed in. This is a lot simpler than many other home remedies for hiccups.

“Bath & Body Works”-type Sugar Scrub 

10 Tablespoons white sugar

5 Tablespoons brown sugar

8 Tablespoons sunflower oil

2 Tablespoons golden jojoba oil

1 Tablespoon liquid glycerin 

1 Tablespoon favorite fragrance oil or essential oil 

Add all of your dry ingredients and blend them well, making sure you remove any clumps. Next add your sunflower oil, golden jojoba oil and liquid glycerin. Stir until you have a consistent blend of oil to sugar.

Last add in your favorite fragrance oil or essential oil (keep in mind that some are stronger than others so you may need to increase or decrease this amount accordingly, in any case start w/ less and add to the blend).

When your sugar scrub is all blended transfer to your air tight containers until you are ready to use. ** the oil will settle at the top of your scrub so just shake it or stir it prior to each use. 

Directions:

To use, scoop out a tablespoon or two and start to exfoliate hands, feet,elbows and rough spots, massaging into skin with gentle circular motions. Rinse with warm water.

Ingredients

50 percent white cane sugar (note that organic sucanat, while the best choice for food, doesn’t work as well for this recipe)

50 percent vegetable glycerin to moisten the sugar (I used avocado oil since I was out of vegetable glycerin and it proved to be a successful substitute)

Small amounts of aloe vera gel, vitamin C crystals, or anything healing that dissolves in water

1 or 2 drops of essential oil if desired

Enough ground hibiscus powder for pink color (if desired)

Combine the ingredients in a bowl. Scoop some of the scrub onto your hand and massage gently onto your skin for a minute (the scrub will actually tighten onto your skin like a masque). Leave on for 3 to 4 minutes before rinsing.　

If you’ve ever tasted stevia, you know it’s extremely sweet. In fact, this remarkable non-caloric herb, native to Paraguay, has been used as a sweetener and flavor enhancer for centuries. But this innocuous-looking plant has also been a focal point of intrigue in the United States in recent years because of actions by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

The subject of searches and seizures, trade complaints and embargoes on importation, stevia has been handled at times by the FDA as if it were an illegal drug.

In September of 1995, the FDA revised its import alert to allow Stevia and its extracts to be imported as a food supplement but not as a sweetener. Yet, it defines Stevia as an unapproved food additive, not affirmed as GRAS (Generally Recognized as Safe) in the United States. The following is a portion of this revised alert:

“If Stevia is to be used in a dietary supplement for a technical effect, such as use as a sweetener or flavoring agent, and is labeled as such, it is considered an unsafe food additive. However, in the absence of labeling specifying that stevia is being or will be used for technical effect, use of stevia as a dietary ingredient in a dietary supplement is not subject to the food additive provisions of FD & C ACT.”

In my opinion, this revision represents a political compromise between the artificial sweetener and sugar lobbyists and the Natural Food Industry and its representatives, as mediated by the FDA. 

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. 

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. 

Without geometry, life is pointless. 

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sun bathing makes you well-red. 

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. 

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired. 

What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!) 

A backwards poet writes inverse. 

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes. 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get re-possessed. 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor. 

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. 

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key. 

Every calendar’s days are numbered. 

A lot of money is tainted. It t’aint yours and it t’aint mine. 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye. 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Natural healing Apple cider vinegar kills germs and nourishes the body at the same time, so have a look at some of the many different ways people have been benefiting from the external and internal application of this folk medicine.

CANCER PREVENTION

Apples and apple cider vinegar contain numerous substances that protect against many types of cancer. They contain beta-carotene, a powerful antioxidant, and phytochemicals such as flavonoids and polyphenols that are also protective against cancer formation. Plus they both contain pectin, a soluble fiber, which binds certain cancer causing compounds in the colon and speeds up their elimination from the body. So eat an apple a day and take the general apple cider vinegar tonic home remedy (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) to maximize these benefits.

CHOLESTEROL REDUCTION

The water soluble fiber pectin, found in apple cider vinegar, absorbs fats and cholesterol and eliminates them from the body. At the same time, the amino acids present in apple cider vinegar neutralize some of the harmful oxidized LDL cholesterol. Maximize this benefit by taking the apple cider vinegar tonic home remedy (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) and increasing the amount of fiber rich food in your diet (more fruits and vegetables) while reducing the amount of saturated and unsaturated fat.

COLDS

At the first sign of a cold, take 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in half a cup of water several times a day. The body becomes more alkaline during a cold and the vinegar will help to rebalance the body’s acid level. If you have a chest cold, a long-standing home remedy calls for soaking a piece of brown paper in vinegar then sprinkling one side of it with black pepper. Place the peppered side of the paper on the chest, cover with a towel, and relax for 20 minutes.

CONSTIPATION

A low fiber diet and the reduction in digestive acids and enzymes as we age, can lead to constipation. More fruits and vegetables and a daily tonic of apple cider vinegar (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) is a natural healing home remedy to combat constipation.

CORN AND CALLOUS TREATMENT

Soak your feet for half an hour in a warm bath containing half a cup of apple cider vinegar. Use a clean pumice stone to rub the affected areas then apply pure apple cider vinegar and cover with a bandage. Reapply vinegar and bandage the following morning.

COUGHS

A home remedy to sooth a nighttime cough is to sprinkle apple cider vinegar on a cloth placed on a pillow.

CRAMPS

Muscle cramps can be caused by a calcium and magnesium imbalance in the body and by a lack of vitamin E. To help prevent the recurrence of cramps, take a regular tonic of apple cider vinegar (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) along with 1 teaspoon of honey.

DANDRUFF

Apply pure apple cider vinegar to the scalp and work it into the roots of the hair; allow the vinegar to stand for a half hour or a full hour before washing your hair. This will help to destroy the bacteria and fungus that cause dandruff and itchy scalp.

DIABETES

A daily tonic of apple cider vinegar (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) supplies dietary fiber and other ingredients, which are beneficial in controlling blood glucose levels. As well, the acids and enzymes promote better digestion and nutrient absorption, which is impaired in many diabetes sufferers.

This home remedy has been the subject of new research that shows that apple cider vinegar can help lower blood sugar levels.

DIAPER RASH

Use a 50/50 mixture of apple cider vinegar and water to eliminate the bacteria and fungus that cause diaper rash.

DIARRHEA

Pectin, the water soluble fiber in apple cider vinegar, will help to absorb water in the intestines and provide more bulk for the stool. Also, intestinal bacteria transforms pectin into a protective coating which sooths the irritated lining. The well known over the counter diarrhea preparation, Kaopectate contains pectin. So take the natural healing apple cider vinegar tonic (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) to help eliminate diarrhea.

DIGESTION

As we age, it is common for people to produce less stomach acid (hydrochloric acid) which can lead to digestive problems. Taking the apple cider vinegar tonic home remedy (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) before a meal will enhance the action of your stomach’s acid and digestive enzymes.

There is still an alphabet’s worth of home remedies using ACV, I will post more here in the future.

We started to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder why all the fuss.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are!!), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee’d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push Just one more good push (more like 10),” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their teen years. Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40’s - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale! : “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks…

 So, while I love being a woman, “Womanhood” would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.

Emily Wood has been packing the world into boxes for more than 15 years. As the creator and current coordinator of the Culture Box Program, Wood has opened the box of cultural understanding to thousands of Tulsa’s children.

The boxes represent nearly 50 countries from Australia to Vietnam. Each box contains clothing, games, videos, books, toys, musical instruments and other artifacts from the country it represents.

The boxes are truly a community project. “Parents have brought back things from trips,” said Wood, “clothing, videos showing the history of a country, stuffed animals such as llamas from Peru. The Tulsa Global Alliance is a wonderful partner, and the Tulsa University business school gives me an intern to help.”

Wood said the boxes are coming and going every day, and usually more than one box is being borrowed. The Culture Boxes are free for use in all Tulsa Public Schools. In addition, the boxes are used by home school parents, churches, college cultural geography classes and international clubs, Dillon International Adoption Agency, Girls Scouts and Boy Scouts, and the library. There is a $15 fee for box rentals and boxes can be checked out for two weeks.

The artifacts are a high-interest, hands-on learning tool to supplement written materials about different cultures. Wood said the Culture Box Program helps foster multicultural understanding and an appreciation for diversity. It also encourages children to explore and appreciate their own cultural heritage.

For information about borrowing the boxes, or to contribute items or money to the Culture Box Program, email Emily Wood at woodem@tulsaschools.org

For additional information, call 918-746-9100 or visit www.tulsaglobalalliance.org/CultureBox.htm

Proper food combining is a system of eating foods that combine together efficiently to assist digestion so that your digestive tract does not have to work so hard to give you the nutrients you need for energy. You can learn the basics with 3 simple guidelines.

#1) Eat Fruits Alone on an Empty Stomach
Start your morning with a glass of warm water and lemon juice to hydrate your body and cleanse and tone your digestive system. Lemon and lime juice can be eaten with animal protein for flavor and to enhance digestion.

These four grain-like seeds, amaranth, quinoa, buckwheat and millet, are high in protein, gluten-free, rich in B vitamins and feed the beneficial bacteria in your digestive system.

Here is some more essential details on each:

Amaranth - contains B vitamins, calcium, iron and Vitamin C. Amaranth may help lower cholesterol.

Buckwheat - rich in flavonoids like rutin and a good source of magnesium, buckwheat is good for your cardiovascular system. It’s a valuable food for those with diabetes, as it can be helpful for regulating blood sugar.

Millet - a good source of manganese, phosphorus, and magnesium, millet is beneficial for your heart.

Quinoa - a good source of manganese, magnesium, iron, copper, phosphorous, and riboflavin (B2). Quinoa may be helpful if you have migraines, diabetes or atherosclerosis.

When you eat proteins like poultry, fish, meat, and eggs, your stomach secretes hydrochloric acid and the enzyme pepsin to break down the food in a highly acidic environment. When you eat starches like potatoes or bread, your stomach secretes the enzyme ptyalin to create an alkaline condition.

Non-Starchy Vegetables Include: Leafy greens, broccoli, asparagus, cauliflower, carrots, bok choy, cabbage, celery, lettuces, green beans, garlic, fennel, onions, chives, turnips, sprouts, red radish, yellow squash, zucchini, cucumber, beets.
Non-starchy vegetables digest well in acid OR alkaline environments, so they go with anything.

Fats and Oils: Choose organic, unrefined and extra virgin oils like flax seed, pumpkin seed, olive or coconut oils. Combine With: Vegetables, grains and protein. Avoid large amounts of fat with protein (like the mayonnaise in tuna salad) because it slows digestion. Instead, use a small amount of oil to cook and oil free dressings.

Protein Fats: Avocado, olives, seeds, and nuts (except peanuts and chestnuts, which are starches), cheese and milk, are also protein fats. Combine With: Non-starchy vegetables and sour fruits.

Dried Peas, Beans, and Soybeans: These foods are mainly a starch combined with a small amount of protein and are difficult to digest. This helps explain why many people have problems with gas and bloating immediately after eating them. Combine With: Non-starchy vegetables

Some Final Notes:

Wait 3 hours after eating a grain-based meal before you have a protein meal.

After a protein meal, give yourself 4 hours to fully digest. (You may even want to try all grain meals one day and all protein meals the next.)

Preparing Grains:
It is always recommended that you soak any grains or grain-like seeds for a minimum of 8 hours. 24 hours is even better. Grains have phytic acid in them (as do nuts, beans and other seeds) that makes them difficult to break down in your digestive system. Since most people have weak digestive systems, eating grains without soaking them could cause symptoms of digestive upset.

Eating raw cruciferous vegetables actually suppresses your thyroid’s hormone production, creating fatigue, coldness in your body and a slowing of your metabolism. Cruciferous vegetables include broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, kale, mustard greens, radishes, rutabagas and turnips.