Mom’s Soap Box

The recent onslaught of terrible, tragic murders of pregnant women has me horrified. I don’t think that any of it can be explained except to say that you cannot explain the mind of a person who is clearly out of their mind. What absolutley maddens me even more is that in many states the fetus isn’t considered a life and therefore the murderer can’t be charged with double-murder (which in some states also means that they aren’t eligible for the death penalty).

I encourage you to read up on your state’s specific laws and find out how you can help to change them. These families have already lost so much, it seems right to make sure justice is served.

This morning I really need one of these songs!!

1. Baba O-Reily - The Who

2. Beautiful Day - U2

3. American Idiot - Green Day

4. Jump Off - Lil Kim

5. Ain’t Goin Down til the Sun Comes Up - Garth Brooks

I told you I had psychotic taste in music…..PLEASE, post your top five too and maybe I’ll find some new ones!

For those of you not from Southern California (which from the look of things on the freeway is not very many) I have to start this by letting you in a little-known fact: Californians are not very friendly. I’m sure that’s not a big surprise to most people considering we are known for being self-absorbed, SUV-loving, liberal-leaning weirdos but it was a surprise to me when I moved away from the state. I have lived in the South, the Midwest, the Rockies and the Northwest (not to mention a couple of foreign countries) and I have yet to come across a group of people who, as a rule, prefer not to be friendly with anyone they don’t know. When I moved to the midwest people went out of their way to welcome me, make me feel at home, and even offer to show me around and introduce me to other people. From my experience that would probably not happen anywhere around L.A. or Orange County.
My family and I bought a house in the somewhat far-out suburbs in late 2005 so that we could afford as large a house as possible. We had thought that since we were moving into a brand-new neighborhood we would have so much in common with everyone else and we would all have barbeques and block parties and we’d be best friends. Here we are a year and a half later and we still barely know anyone on our street. We wave to the neighbors across the street and occaisionally go over so our 2 year-old can play with their 2 year-old but that’s about it. I run into many of the neighborhood Moms up at the park and have tried to be friendly with them but they always seem so stand-offish I am afraid they think I’m some kind of psycho for trying to get to know them.
My hope in posting this is that some of you might have some suggestions or stories to share that might help us overcome this awkward existence of living 10 feet apart from 50 other families and not really knowing any of them. I have noticed that many of them I have talked to are pretty conservative which is definitely not a word I would choose to describe my husband or myself so I am not sure if they picked up on this vibe or what. And since I can’t see myself bringing them some baked goods or sharing quick recipe ideas I am at a loss. Or maybe it’s just the Dobermans and the “Stay Away - Owner Packs Heat” sign on my front lawn. At any rate, please….we need to socialize!

My thanks to Bryan for tagging me to write seven strange things about myself, perhaps the easiest topic I have ever written on.

1. I am a six-foot tall woman.

2. I LOVE peanut butter and mayonaise sandwiches.

3. My taste in music is ridiculously diverse: In my changer as we speak are The Pixies, Green Day, Buena Vista Social Club, Black Sabbath, Gnarls Barkley and Patsy Cline.

4. I absolutely must brush my teeth before getting into the shower each morning.

5. As an adult I beacme absolutely terrified of flying.

6. I actually thought Army Boot Camp was fun.

7. I think mens’ forearms are sexy, especially with a nice watch on them.

Yep, that’s pretty much me in a nutshell (cue visual of Mike Myers trying to get out of a nutshell). Enjoy!

Yes, yes I know my two boys are about 16 years away from me even potentially seeing them go off to college but I was thinking about it and realized that I was already making assumptions about my kids. When I was growing up my family always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be in this world and that I should always try to be the best I possibly could be. When I was a little older I realized that they too had high expectations of me but tried to temper that with a philosophy that it was more imporatant that I be happy. What I find strange looking back is that I don’t recall any detailed conversations taking place about the subject of college. We didn’t talk about whether or not I wanted to go to a university or what my grades and extracurriculars needed to be in order for me to go. Nor did we talk about preparing for SAT’s.My parents were definitely shocked when I told them I was joining the Army, a route they definitely didn’t see their daughter taking, but their objections weren’t because of delaying college.
Now that I have children of my own I want to be really prepared when my sons enter high school. Prepared with all kinds of information to give to them so that they know their options and the realities of life, most importantly how much harder it is to find a career when you don’t have a college degree. I will still tell them they can be most anything they would want to be but I will also explain to them what they would realistically need to do to get there. My goal as a parent is to always be very upfront with my kids about life and to give them as much information as possible about how to reach their goals. I will do my best not to push them too much in a certain direction.

I admit it - I was deathly afraid of becoming a “Mom” which to me at the time meant a lifetime of stretch pants and oversized t-shirts. Of course now that I am a couple years into this new adventure and have dropped the pregnancy pounds I realize that I have a desire to be a “hot” Mom. I assume that wanting to feel and be attractive to youself and the outside world is a pretty universal human condition. When you’re a Mom though there are a whole other set of expectations and judgements that are placed on you by society. My experience has been that Mothers are judged more harshly and held to a higher standard than non-Moms.
If I want to wear a sexy dress or bare my legs in public I actually have the conscious thought, especially if my boys are with me, that people will be judging me and thinking that I should be dressed more like a Mom (whatever that really means). I don’t want to sacrifice my own identity as that is pretty much the only thing I am able to choose not to sacrifice. I think all of us Moms should remember that we are first WOMEN with beauty and grace and an earthly dignity that is God-given. The truth in all of this is what really surprised me: that after two kids and a little gray hair I still feel sexy.

It’s a well know fact that I am a harborer of guilt. My husband and family consistently remind me not to dwell on things and that I am up in my head too much. When it comes to being a working Mom it tends to manifest itself a little like this: get home from work after ridiculous traffic, realize I only have two and a half hours to spend with my boys until they go to bed, ignore all other responsibilities until after they are in bed at which time I feel like I have been run over by a bus. Spend next two hours cleaning/doing work/chores until I fall into bed calculating exactly how much sleep I can get if they only wake up one time each during the night. My guilt is not only over not getting to spend much time with them during the week but there is also guilt about not getting to some of the chores, and of course not having a whole lot of energy left for my husband.
Before I had children I used to hear parents talk about sacrifice. I really believed (in my own selfish view of the world) that they were speaking of all the fun and spontaneous things they would have to give up in order to be a responsible parent. What I didn’t know until living through it is that the sacrifice is more about being able to let yourself give all that you can to all of the areas of your life that are important and to not beat yourself up about not being all things to everyone at all times. What you are really sacrificing is your own ideal of who you “should” be and finding out what you’re really capable of. I am still working on accepting that.

I had an interesting debate this morning with a co-worker that I thought might be one to bring to this forum. It was centered around the question of whether children are always better off in a traditional male-female parented family. The question was originally discussed on The Adam Carolla Show hosted by Adam Carolla of various television and radio show fame, which is broadcast on Free FM here in Los Angeles. My co-worker contended that it is absolutely always the ideal to have a male-female married parenting situation based on the unquestionable need for children to have input and influence by both sexes coming from the stability of the traditional married dynamic. Keep in mind this argument is partly based on the assumption that the traditional marriage situation is always inherently more stable than a non-traditional situation.
My belief is that any family situation in which there are two or even one loving, expressive, stable parent figures is a positive one whether that consists of gays, lesbians, single Moms or Dads, or any other combination of non-traditional family. The quality of the parenting far outweighs the classification of the parents involved in regards to the ultimate outcome for the children involved. The debate over this got me so fired up I knew I wanted to get your thoughts and comments or to hear some of your experiences. Perhaps we can share our points of view in a way that may let others see the other perspective: it’s always positive to get a dialogue going about issues that spark a passionate response so I am hoping we can get a good one going here.

Just a quick post this morning to share with you the absolute bliss I enjoyed this morning with our two sons cuddled in bed with us watching a morning cartoon. On days when I leave the house before they wake up and don’t get home until they safely tucked away in bed it is heaven on earth to wake them up in the morning and cuddle for a good half hour or so. It is the perfect way to start any day.

As I look around my house at the endless toys scattered about and think back to when I was first pregnant with my oldest (Peanut, 26 Months) I remember all of the fantasies rolling around in my head. I would bring him home from the hospital and every day would be sunshine and warm days and walks in the park. When he cried, I thought, I will feed him, rock him, sing to him and he will look lovingly into my eyes and I will weep with overflowing emotion. His nursery would always be a glorious sanctuary where we would spend countless hours bonding and cooing and gooing at each other.
I look back to this time so fondly as it was a time of great anticipation and hope for our future. My Peanut was a pretty easy baby who actually didn’t much care for the cuddling and rocking much as a baby. He was as independent-minded as they come from a very early age. When our youngest was born (Boo Boo, 9 Months) I was prepared for things to be less fantasy, more reality but have to admit that I again was disappointed in myself for not trying harder to make it all so perfect! It wasn’t until about three months ago that I finally dropped the expectations of myself to create this perfect little world for them and start enjoying the reality: my floors are sticky, my laundry baskets resemble Mt. Rushmore and according to Peanut, Superman lives across the street…..I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

A bolt of lightning hit me today at work as I was at my desk, contemplating shutting the door to my office so that I might actually accomplish some work without interruption. My revelation was this: My two little boys are an absolute microcosm of my work life. At work I get calls and emails and visits all day long, hundreds of them, from all sorts of people wanting, needing my attention RIGHT NOW! They get visibly upset if I tell them I need them to wait until I am finished with something before I can pay attention to them. There are major consequences usually involving cleaning up a big mess if I should neglect to pay enough attention to them. I have to negotiate without seeming like I am trying to get them to do something. Maybe all of these things contribute to why my reserve of patience is verging on empty when I walk through the door after my daily hour and a half commute (each way). One major difference: My colleauges generally don’t throw spaghetti on the dog at work.

My husband just returned from taking our two little monkeys on an airplane to see our family in the Midwest (yes, I know you are thinking that he deserves the medal of honor and you are right) and he had plenty of tales to tell. The ones that I found most interesting were the ones that involved some woman making a comment about how brave he was for taking the boys all by himself. All I could think of was how unlilkely I would be to receive those words of praise had it been me taking the boys on the airplane, and come to think of it, why wasn’t he offended by such sexist remarks? They were basically saying that they were impressed he could even handle such a task, like he was incompetent or something. Luckily a couple of women took pity on him and helped him navigate the jetway with the two babies which made a big difference. But I was left wondering if the reason most husbands are less inclined to take a bigger role in the care of children is because the world largely still looks at them as unable to do so.

I should have really titled this one “You Too Can Get Pregnant While on Various Methods of Birth Control” as that is precisely what happened to me. My first son was conceived while I was on a low-dose birth control pill….apparently I needed enough to choke a horse rather than the tiny dose needed by most normal women. After he was born I decided to try the new patch which sounded great - hey you only need to change it once a month (how can you screw that up?) but alas, that too failed. Now, I am so grateful for both of these “failures” as what came from them are the most amazing, beautiful, life-changing things to ever come into my life so don’t get the idea that I wish for any different outcome. I just thought I should start at the beginning of the story of “How I impregnated Your Mother” (coincidentally also a new show on Fox this Summer). I am now going with the “Are you seriously trying to have sex with me at 3 in the morning” form of birth control and so far it’s working out great. The more you know.