A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they’re practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One -he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR…… Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder: “Instruction Manuals”

Milk goes sour in about a week, even if you keep it in the fridge. That’s because Lactobacillus, the “good bacteria” that’s found in yogurt, is constantly going about the job of oxidizing the lactose sugars in the milk into sour-tasting lactic acid - the same chemical that makes your muscles sore after exercise. But since this souring process requires the presence of oxygen, theoretically it could be slowed down even further if you kept the milk out of contact with oxygen.

What percentage of milk ends up going down the sink because it’s soured in the fridge? 

The Fresh shrinking milk jug seems like a great idea.

The Fresh is a spring-loaded jug with flexible sides. You pop it out to its full height to fill it, then put on the airtight lid. Then you press the release valve and push down on the lid until the milk starts pouring out the nozzle. You don’t have to lift the jug or tilt it to pour in this way.

When you’re done pouring, you release the valve button and the milk is sealed inside the jug, free from contact with any oxygen. Starved of the oxygen it takes to process the milk, and kept at a chilled temperature to slow them further, the Lactobacillus bacteria take a lot longer to turn the milk sour - up to a week longer, the inventor claims.

Unfortunately, being a design study, there’s no immediate plans for production.

One anonymous entrant to this year’s James Dyson awards has come up with something devilishly simple: a shrinking milk jug that squeezes all the air out as you empty it. The inventor claims it lets milk last as much as a week longer. Simple and brilliant!

At the time I was sure vaccination was the route to go, despite the fact I had no solid information, facts or research on which to base my opinion. The idea that vaccines were responsible for ridding western society of small pox, polio and many other diseases and that any un-vaccinated child was a threat to the health of all was backed up by the media and the rest of society.

Now I am not so sure vaccinating my kids is the best thing for them. The amount of conventional medical history and government statistics that show both the ineffectiveness and harm that vaccinations can cause is alarming. I’d never been offered contrary information about the effectiveness of shots by those who advocate them. What about the other side? Do I not deserve the best information with which to make an informed decision?

Contraindications are health concerns such as a family history of autoimmune or neurological disorders, allergies that conflict with vaccines and can cause minor or major reactions. This information could be critical to me and my children. Why was I not taught to research and form my own opinion on this critical subject?

It should be noted that more research is needed to discover why these contraindications cause such severe health problems – the simple fact is that as much as doctors know, they do not know everything and more research is needed.

* Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

* Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of Probability:

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

* Law of the Telephone:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

* Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

* Variation Law:

If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

* Bath Theorem:

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

* Law of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

* Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

* Law of Bio mechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

* Theatre Rule:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

* Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

* Murphy’s Law of Lockers:

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

* Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich  landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

* Law of Location:

No matter where you go, there you are.

* Law of Logical Argument:

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

* Brown’s Law:

If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.

* Oliver’s Law:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* Wilson’s Law:

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

The campaign is focused on convincing the world not to eat chickens, pigs, and other animals — just one day per week (Monday just makes for a nice alliterative title). Maybe Johns Hopkins, Columbia, the American Dietetic Association, and dozens of other health organizations arguing that “the less meat you eat, the better off you’ll be” means it’s worth listening to the idea. 

Michael Pollan (In Defense of Food) argued in favor of the campaign on Oprah, saying, “We don’t realize it when we sit down to eat, but that is our most profound engagement in the rest of nature.” If we can just push meat a little bit to the side and move vegetables more to the center of our diet, we’ll be a lot healthier. Pollan’s most recent book calls on all of us to eat “…mostly plants,” and his new movie (Food, Inc.) offers a stomach-churning look at factory-farming and slaughterhouses.

Scientists tell us that if all Americans switched from eating chickens and pigs to eating beans and grains for just one day per week, that would stop as much global warming as if everyone in the U.S. shifted to ultra-efficient Toyota hybrids (which is the weekly equivalent of using 12 billion fewer gallons of gasoline).

For people who think that going totally vegetarian is too challenging, the Meatless Monday campaign offers a gentle easing into the idea of eating without eating animals. For recipes and cooking information, check out the Meatless Monday site.

that there are over 20,000 brands of beer? The oldest recipes for beer are from 4300BC. 

that the tongue of a blue whale is as long as an elephant?

that there are four wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Kikazaru - Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Iwazaru - Speak no evil), and Shizaru (Do no evil).

that half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace?

that most boat owners name their boats? Obsession is the most popular boat name requested.

that if you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go to one thousand before you would find the letter ‘A’?

that bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women?

that honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

that on Father’s Day day there are more collect calls than any other day of the year?

that words don’t have to be spelled correctly for an intelligent person to read them?

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

We’ve covered stevia and sugar this week but what about the other sweeteners saccharin and aspartame?

Saccharin has long been a traditional alternative for those on diets, but it has been dogged from the outset with its own health concerns. Saccharin is a synthetic, white crystalline powder, benzoic sulfinide, has effectively no food energy and is much sweeter than sucrose,350 times as sweet, but has an unpleasant bitter or metallic aftertaste. It is not easily digested by the body. Saccharin officially assumed the ‘carcinogen’ title in March 1977, when a rodent study in Canada produced an excess of bladder tumors in the male animal. The US National Toxicology Program elected to put saccharin on its ‘cancer causing’ list - formally declaring it an ‘anticipated human carcinogen.’ Cyclamate, an earlier version, had been banned in 1970 for similar reasons. The American Food and Drug Administration, relented in the face of public pressure, but mandated that saccharin should carry a warning label. In 1991, after fourteen years, the FDA formally withdrew its 1977 proposal to ban the use of saccharin, and in 2000, the U.S. Congress repealed the law requiring saccharin products to carry health warning labels.

Aspartame is the methyl ester of a phenylalanine/aspartic acid dipeptide. It has been the subject of controversy since its initial approval in 1974. It can be found the world over under the brand names Nutrasweet, Equal, Spoonful and Equal-Measure and is an ingredient of approximately 6,000 consumer foods and beverages sold worldwide, including (but not limited to) diet sodas and other soft drinks, instant breakfasts, breath mints, cereals, sugar-free chewing gum, cocoa mixes, frozen desserts, gelatin desserts, juices, laxatives, chewable vitamins supplements, milk drinks, pharmaceutical drugs and supplements, shake mixes, tabletop sweeteners, teas, instant coffees, topping mixes, wine coolers and yogurt. Aspartame was discovered by accident in 1965, by a chemist working for the GD Serle Company. The original approval as a sweetener for public consumption was blocked over concerns about both aspartame’s safety and GD Serle’s research practices. Aspartame received approval for dry goods in 1981 and as a sweetener for carbonated beverages was granted in 1983, despite growing concerns over its neurological effects. In 1985, GD Serle was purchased by pharmaceutical giant Monsanto. Since then, Serle Pharmaceuticals and The NutraSweet Company were created as separate corporate identities.

According to researcher Alex Constantine in his essay entitled “Sweet Poison”, aspartame may account for up to 75% of the adverse food reactions reported to the US FDA, due primarily to its reported ability to affect neurological processes in humans. Dr Olney, a prominent neuroscientist, found that an excess of aspartate and glutamate, two chemicals used by the body as neurotransmitters to transmit information between brain neurons, could kill neurons in the brain by allowing too much calcium to collect in the neuron cells to neutralize acid. This neurological damage led Dr Olney to label aspartate and glutamate ‘excitotoxins‘, in that they ‘excite’ or stimulate the neural cells to death.　

Symptoms

Side-effects laid at the door of aspartame poisoning include fits, convulsions, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer’s disease, ALS, memory loss, hormonal problems, hearing loss, epilepsy, Parkinson’s disease, AIDS dementia, brain lesions and neuro-endocrine disorders. Aspartame comprises two chief trouble-makers:  

Phenylalanine  is an amino acid used by the brain, that comprises 50% of aspartame. People suffering from the genetic disorder phenylketonuria (PKU) cannot metabolise phenylalanine and an excess of this amino acid builds up in the brain, leading to a decrease of serotonin levels, bringing on emotional disorders and depression. 

Menthanol, also known as wood alcohol. The poison methanol is a 10%ingredient of aspartame, which is created when aspartame is heated above 30′C, for example in the preparation of processed foods. Methanol oxidizes in the body to produce formic acid and the deadly neurotoxin, formaldehyde. Methanol is considered by America’s Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as “.a cumulative poison, due to the low rate of excretion once it is absorbed. In the body, methanol is oxidized to formaldehyde and formic acid; both of these metabolites are toxic.”A one liter carbonated beverage, sweetened with aspartame, contains around 56mg of methanol. Heavy consumers of soft drinks sweetened with aspartame can ingest up to 250 mg of methanol daily, especially in the summer, amounting to 32 times the EPA warning limit.  

In the end, your bodyhas only one question about what you feed it, “Can I use this material to build cells to replenish my systems?” Sucrose, saccharin and aspartame are incompatible with this process and have been shown to work against the body. They are the opposite of nutrition, they are indeed “sweet poisons”.

Natural healing Apple cider vinegar kills germs and nourishes the body at the same time, so have a look at some of the many different ways people have been benefiting from the external and internal application of this folk medicine. 

EAR INFECTIONS

Use an ear syringe (found at drug stores) to squirt a vinegar solution into the ear and let it sit for a minute or so, then turn your head and let the liquid drain out. The vinegar solution can be a 50/50 mixture of ACV and pure water, a 50/50 mixture of ACV and rubbing alcohol or a solution consisting of one-third vinegar, one-third pure water, and one-third rubbing alcohol.

If the ear problem persists, see a health professional.

ECZEMA

To help relieve the itching and dryness of eczema, apply a 50/50 mixture of apple cider vinegar and water to the affected areas.

FATIGUE

Fatigue can be caused by a build up lactic acid in the body during exercise or periods of stress. The amino acids found in apple cider vinegar can neutralize the excess lactic acid in the bloodstream and the potassium and enzymes obtained through regular use of a vinegar tonic can help beat fatigue.

FLATULENCE

Many people avoid eating certain foods such as beans due to the gas they produce in the body. This gas is a result of incomplete digestion and can be minimized by soaking the beans in apple cider vinegar prior to cooking them.

FOOT CARE

Try this home remedy for sore and tired feet which sometimes ache at the end of a long day: Add a cup of apple cider vinegar to a basin of warm water and allow your feet to soak for 15 minutes.

HEADACHES

Research has shown that people have slightly more alkaline urine when they have a headache. An apple cider vinegar tonic will help restore your body’s acid/alkaline balance. According to one home remedy, inhaling the vapors from a small bottle of apple cider vinegar can also help or if you have a vaporizer, add some cider vinegar to the water and inhale the vapors for five minutes.

HEMORRHOIDS

Apply the natural healing abilities of pure apple cider vinegar directly to hemorrhoids to help reduce stinging and promote shrinking. Use a cotton ball to apply the vinegar every few hours until symptoms are relieved.

HICCUPS

To stop hiccups, try sipping a glass of warm water in which one teaspoon of apple cider vinegar has been mixed in. This is a lot simpler than many other home remedies for hiccups.

“Bath & Body Works”-type Sugar Scrub 

10 Tablespoons white sugar

5 Tablespoons brown sugar

8 Tablespoons sunflower oil

2 Tablespoons golden jojoba oil

1 Tablespoon liquid glycerin 

1 Tablespoon favorite fragrance oil or essential oil 

Add all of your dry ingredients and blend them well, making sure you remove any clumps. Next add your sunflower oil, golden jojoba oil and liquid glycerin. Stir until you have a consistent blend of oil to sugar.

Last add in your favorite fragrance oil or essential oil (keep in mind that some are stronger than others so you may need to increase or decrease this amount accordingly, in any case start w/ less and add to the blend).

When your sugar scrub is all blended transfer to your air tight containers until you are ready to use. ** the oil will settle at the top of your scrub so just shake it or stir it prior to each use. 

Directions:

To use, scoop out a tablespoon or two and start to exfoliate hands, feet,elbows and rough spots, massaging into skin with gentle circular motions. Rinse with warm water.

Ingredients

50 percent white cane sugar (note that organic sucanat, while the best choice for food, doesn’t work as well for this recipe)

50 percent vegetable glycerin to moisten the sugar (I used avocado oil since I was out of vegetable glycerin and it proved to be a successful substitute)

Small amounts of aloe vera gel, vitamin C crystals, or anything healing that dissolves in water

1 or 2 drops of essential oil if desired

Enough ground hibiscus powder for pink color (if desired)

Combine the ingredients in a bowl. Scoop some of the scrub onto your hand and massage gently onto your skin for a minute (the scrub will actually tighten onto your skin like a masque). Leave on for 3 to 4 minutes before rinsing.　

If you’ve ever tasted stevia, you know it’s extremely sweet. In fact, this remarkable non-caloric herb, native to Paraguay, has been used as a sweetener and flavor enhancer for centuries. But this innocuous-looking plant has also been a focal point of intrigue in the United States in recent years because of actions by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

The subject of searches and seizures, trade complaints and embargoes on importation, stevia has been handled at times by the FDA as if it were an illegal drug.

In September of 1995, the FDA revised its import alert to allow Stevia and its extracts to be imported as a food supplement but not as a sweetener. Yet, it defines Stevia as an unapproved food additive, not affirmed as GRAS (Generally Recognized as Safe) in the United States. The following is a portion of this revised alert:

“If Stevia is to be used in a dietary supplement for a technical effect, such as use as a sweetener or flavoring agent, and is labeled as such, it is considered an unsafe food additive. However, in the absence of labeling specifying that stevia is being or will be used for technical effect, use of stevia as a dietary ingredient in a dietary supplement is not subject to the food additive provisions of FD & C ACT.”

In my opinion, this revision represents a political compromise between the artificial sweetener and sugar lobbyists and the Natural Food Industry and its representatives, as mediated by the FDA.